Why it’s so hard to make friends as an adult

“Let’s not wait three years to talk again.”

Have you ever started a conversation with a friend by trying to figure out how long it’s been since you last talked to them?

While I’m grateful for friendships where we can pick right up after three years of not talking, I’m having more catch-up conversations as I get older.

🫤 It doesn’t feel right.

Struggling to make new friends or not having any friends is something we half-joke about, but it’s part of a serious problem where communities (also known as third places) are disappearing.​

Even the U.S. Surgeon General declared that loneliness was an epidemic in 2023.

Research points to social media, an individual-first society, and our affluence as potential reasons for shrinking communities.

But I want to talk about what we can control.

Starting with the question: how do you work on a friendship?

​

you’re dead to me

There are two groups of people:

1. People who have a lot of acquaintances.
2. People who have a few, close friends.

If you’re like me, you’re in group two. I’m deeply loyal to the people I care about. I’ll run off of a cliff for them.

But there’s a contingency: if they break my trust once, then they’re dead to me.